2020 tiptoed in lamblike. Now halfway gone, we reel as the year morphed from sheep to monster. Our unprecedented events—rampant disease, record unemployment, and hate-filled riots—forever splayed across history books for the reading assignments of future generations.
The losses pile high like interest payments on a bad debt.
Loss of jobs, loss of freedom to act as we want, gather as we want, go where we want. Loss of health, loss of life. Loss of trust as we witness the unrest mounting in political rants and racial reprisal.
Anger spews ugly.
We profess to be Christians, yet find ourselves divided by race and by opinions on wellness mandates. Loss plus anger spirals into out of control reactions.
Where is the love?
Where is the forgiveness?
“Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”
Dr. Martin Luther King
But anger does not need a worldwide platform of violence and virus like it owns right now. It plants seeds at every level and every opportunity— year in and year out.
And I think back to my own angry days. I seethed. Dare I say hate tempted my mind? The lies and gossip sliced me. The hurt and betrayal made my wound fester. So I cut her off from my life. And I sat in my anger. But down deep I knew this path couldn’t lead to peace in my soul.
So I prayed for God to heal my heart.
I feared the cloak of darkness would weigh me down forever. But slowly I went from thinking about those words every hour, to once a day, to once a week, and finally banished them from my mind.
Mostly…
But we know how random hurts pop into our heads at unexpected times—twisting the knife. And though I thought about it rarely, when I did, it still bothered me.
I knew I had to forgive.
No matter if she ever apologized or not.
But I didn’t want to. I wanted her to beg my forgiveness. Then I would forgive her—only after I let her know the extent of my hurt.
Of course, that day never came. Freedom eluded me—because the perpetrator holds the power over us when we refuse to forgive– so the blade continued to gouge.
I’d like to tell you I’m a shining example of forgiveness—within a few months, I forgave her. But that’s not the real truth. It was more like a few years for me to realize I had let the hurt go and I had forgiven her.
Everyone has to decide their own response, yet I knew for me—one more step remained. And though we now resided in different states and much water had run under that bridge,
I had to share the forgiveness,
and in this case, confess my own sin in the matter—the grudge.
So I gathered the courage to track her down and send words of apology for harboring ill-will.
Then silence…
And in my head, I make excuses for her. Because maybe she didn’t get my message. Maybe she is ill. And then it twists sideways—maybe she still feels animosity. Maybe my words dredge up too much pain. And off darts my imagination like a runner from the starting block.
“Forgiveness is not an occasional act; it is a constant attitude.” MLK
We crave vindication by their admission of wrongdoing. But I know down deep—how I respond in the end is what really matters. I can only control my actions and my attitudes. My heart can fester or I can shine the light of love and forgiveness.
Jesus forgave without an expectation of acknowledgment. He did what he needed to do. And If I never hear a word from her, I am ok with that too. He convicted me to remember—I am a sinner forgiven by a gracious God.
And with that, God healed my heart.
“I have decided to stick with love.
Hate is too great a burden to bear.” MLK
As our world rocks and heaves and rotates into the unknown— And the specter of fear undergirds every report from virus to vigilantes. I will fight against the fright and devastation with light and love and forgiveness.
Call upon me in the day of trouble;
I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me.
Psalm 50:15
I am constantly hounded by those who slander me,
and many are boldly attacking me.
But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you.
I praise God for what he has promised.
I trust in God, so why should I be afraid?
What can mere mortals do to me?
Psalm 53:2-4