I don’t feel very thankful some days.
In fact, sometimes when my guard is down and I listen to the little whisper, “This is bad, you need to do something, say something, fix something…”
I feel a little resentful and more than a little anxious.
And I buy into the lie,
Again…
This lie I’ve somehow believed in my heart, yet I know in my head it is so false.
But I keep falling in that rut, the one that is now such a deep hole, and the sides so slick from trying to crawl out again and again that it seems a familiar yet unwanted part of myself.
The lie that if I’m good enough,
And…
Selfless enough,
And…
Work harder than anyone else,
And…
Am perfect in everything I do,
And…
Accommodate everyone else and keep them all happy,
That my life will flow smoothly and the bumps and pits that gape hungry in other’s roads will stay closed on mine.
I feel the tension in my shoulders, always the familiar grip of an invisible vice, becoming more often there than not.
In Hollywood’s crazed obsession with looks, Jennifer Aniston talks about having great muscle memory. But she refers to her abs, not my shoulders that don’t seem to automatically remember to relax anymore. My muscle memory is more like that of a weary soldier in a war zone, they greet the day with tension, as if warily poised to withstand the barrage of the day.
The lies, oh those crafty, subtle thieves who try to steal my peace and joy,
And I let them,
Until I don’t.
So…
I sigh
And focus on what I know is truth.
I remind myself to breathe deeply
I clench my shoulders repeatedly–then relax, clench, relax, 1,2,3,4,5…
And I remember I can’t control my journey through this life:
I can’t control others, hard as I sometimes try,
I can’t control outcomes in a world gone crazy
I can’t control illness, pain, and disease in this fallen world.
But I can physically relax,
And meditate on his promises,
And read the nourishment of the Psalms,
And be thankful.
Someone once said that your days are richer when you remember to be thankful.
I want that.
So I remember, and practice, and pray, and strive to live fully in a broken world. Fully knowing that the bad is what makes me stronger and more thankful for what I DO have.
And I focus on the hope he offers
And I vow to live what I truly believe,
And I feel better.
*********************
Psalm 5:11 But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you.
-What robs you of your joy?
-What can you do to restore it?